Someone posed the question: What is it that brings you untethered delight, especially when nobody is watching? I’ve a bouquet of such things in my heart, but the biggest flower right now would have to be the sings. May I explain?
There are some tells. She needn’t speak. Autism tends to announce itself.
It’s her posture, head down and feet planted wide. Her hands, making gyrations large and small, flapping, playing air piano, reaching for the comfort of my hair.
We’ve had some really dark times of late. She struggles with tremendous anxiety and OCD. I’m not writing about that today though. I want to write about the joy.
Sometimes, when she is especially happy, and seated in the car, when the color of the music transports her to a sunny place, the feet lift and both legs vibrate, bounce, shimmy.
The singing comes at home, in the tub, and outside; on the swings, in the car, and another favored venue—the market. She has no self-consciousness. Zero. Which makes it doubly delightful.
These are no small sings, not the little hums I am prone to, when alone. These are voluminous, gloried and mellifluous eruptions of words dancing to notes in lovely—I mean perfect—pitch.
When the dark clouds of anxiety lift and a little sun shines through, this is what I live for. These moments of great grace that feel like reprieve, taste like hope.
It’ s only in recent times, the past two years, that she’ll allow me to join in, and I can’t tell you what joy this brings! Mother and daughter, doing some pretty good justice to oldies and classics. Some may snicker, some may stare. Can’t tell how many because I simply don’t care.
Yesterday it was Que Sera, Sera at the ice cream stand. She started, and I joined in, and we belted out that song while the short line ahead of us pretended we weren’t, in fact, gifting them with a surprise serenade.
These moments of shared song are serious infusions of good energy for me. It doesn’t matter that Bink may not care if I join in. When my voice meets hers, they flow like some wild river of song-ish glee. This is my untamed salutation to God/Goddess/Universal Pulse , my dance-as-if-nobody-is-watching. This is my untouchable rapture.
How about you, dear reader? Where do you find great gladness, beyond concern of censure or reproach? I’d love to hear.